Fit of Hysterics

Last night at midnight I took my dog out into the backyard. As I walked out there barefoot, I saw a huge slug on the ground. "Don't step on that," I thought to myself, remembering this one time that my foot brushed a slug outside and I felt its slime on my foot for days afterward.

Toad, of course, did not want to go out in the rain, so I had to pick him up and force him onto the grass. He puttered around a bit and decided to go back to the door. I successfully avoided the slug, picked Toad up, and put him back on the grass. Then my husband came to the door, and Toad just gave up trying. Distracted, I walked back to the door. There was a sound like a twig snapping, and I looked down. It was not a twig snapping - it was me stepping on the slug, and the slug POPPING AND SPEWING SLUG GUTS EVERYWHERE!!!!

I went completely crazy. My mind actually separated from my body, and I had no control over myself anymore. I watched myself scream, run into the house, high kick my foot into the sink to wash it off, and begin dry heaving into the other side. My husband says he knew exactly what had happened, and he wasn't that worried. In fact, he immediately began to make fun of me which made me laugh, so I was screaming, crying, dry heaving, and laughing all at the same time.

I have never experienced anything like that before, and now I know what they mean when they say "fit of hysterics." So that's what that feels like!

Why Haven't You People Told Me...

...that Kurt Vonnegut is awesome? People always say, "Oh, he's brilliant." Or "He's such a GOOD writer!" So, I'm always like, "I'm not in the mood for brilliant writing right now. I'd rather read stories about vampires who fall in love with girls who have Elektra complexes." What everyone in my entire life has failed to mention is that Kurt Vonnegut is funny. This is all you had to say. If you will recall, I read "The Kite Runner" because someone said, "Oh, that book is so funny." Sold! I totally didn't think it was going to be funny, and I was absolutely right, but my point is that the only reason I read it is because someone told me it was funny. And to think, I could have been reading Kurt Vonnegut instead...

Did You Know?

In the Middle Ages, beavers were hunted for their testicles which were believed to have medicinal properties. There are a ton of manuscripts depicting beavers biting off their own testicles in order to escape the clutches of hunters. Here are two particularly awesome (and graphic) pictures of it. Enjoy.

The Royal Family

Jon and I got season tickets to "Theatre Three" in Dallas, and Friday was the first show of the season. It was a play from 1927 written by Edna Ferber called "The Royal Family." It was about a theatre dynasty and the struggles that each generation goes through dealing with how their career choice affects their personal lives. It was a comedy, and it was pretty amusing, although I think some of it could have been done better. There were several standouts in the cast, including the woman who played the matron of the family and the man who played the family's business manager. Both hit their jokes with a certain degree of subtlety and sounded like they were actually saying their lines for the first time rather than the 200th. The worst part of the play - well, to me, anyway - was the actor playing the brother who decides to make a career in film rather than on the stage. The guy basically did a "Mork" impersonation the whole time. No good. No good. I couldn't understand the greater part of what he said, and his grimacing and posturing all over the stage seriously detracted from what little I could understand. I couldn't wait for him to get off the stage.

To make things worse, during the second act, some guy switched seats so he was sitting right behind me, and he laughed like a loon at anything and everything Mork did. I wanted to turn around and say, "Really?" Plus, he had the swine flu or something and he snorted in my ear the entire second act. Kind of gross. Also, at any given point during the performance, you could count about three people asleep in the audience. And it was really obvious because it's a tiny theatre in the round, and I felt so bad for the poor actors trying not to be discouraged by the big fat lady asleep on the front row. At least no one started snoring.

Overall, the play was pretty average. There were some funny parts, and then some parts that were supposed to be funny, I think, but the actors kind of played it a little too realistic so I actually felt bad for them for dealing with a real problem rather than laughing at them for being ridiculous. It's a fine line, folks. I'm looking forward to the rest of the season and hope Mork doesn't make any more appearances!

The First Bag I Ever Loved

I don't tend to like things like handbags. I pretty much have two or three that I switch between every few months, and they're all pretty neutral and boring. But functional. As I was doing my fall wardrobe cleanout, I found the old white purse that I bought at Sam Moon (the one and ONLY time I will ever go there) and saw how dirty it was. I tried to wipe it off with plain water which did not work, then I remembered a trick I learned when my mom and I were cleaning up some of my old dolls: hairspray. It cleans vinyl like nobody's business. So, I got out an old bottle of hairspray and starting cleaning it. It worked great, but as I was wiping away, I realized, "I hate this purse. I want a purse that I don't have to clean with hairspray." So, I went online expecting to find some passable purse that could replace my super cheap and ugly old one.

As I was browsing the Anthropologie sale page, I found the most beautiful bag I've ever seen. It's called the "Alabaster Crackle Bag." Alabaster. I like the sound of it. It was on sale for way more than I felt was wise to spend - just like everything always is at that store - so I put it in my shopping cart and decided to sleep on it. If I woke up still wanting it, I would talk to Jon about buying it.

Well, I woke up and still wanted it. I logged on to the website only to discover that they had sold out of it overnight. What? Seriously? Yes. I was pretty disappointed, but thought maybe I could wait a while then buy one on ebay if it was available. Skip to the next day when I went shopping with my mom. We walked into Anthropologie and lo and behold, they had the bag! I got to see it in person, hold it, feel it, examine the lining, and it just made me want it even more. I have never been so attached to a handbag before. I was still waffling on the price, however. I decided to leave it again. If I woke up and still wanted it, I would drive back to the store and if it was still there, I would take it as a sign that God wanted me to have the purse, and I would buy it. Good theology, I know.

I woke up the next morning, still thinking about the purse, so I called Northpark. The bag had been sold! Noooooo! So, I called Highland Park Village. No bag there. Then I called The Shops at Willow Bend. They had it! One left! I asked the saleslady to hold it and drove over there to pick it up as soon as they opened.

Today is its inaugural day. It's beautiful. I love it. I don't want anything to happen to it. I dread spilling my coffee on it or some such thing. The first bag I ever loved.

Awesome Dream

I dreamed last night that my mom and I went to go see "Mary Poppins" the musical. We had bought very good seats, but when we got there no one was sitting in their assigned seats, and we just had to mill around for a while. As we were standing around, I noticed that Steve McQueen was standing in front of us. He noticed us, too, and totally started hitting on me. YES! I love you, Steve!

Day 9 - Granada

Our last day! We got up early and went to the bus station since that is the best way to travel between Malaga and Granada. I was a little apprehensive, since I know the American bus system is not really much to brag about. Not so for the Spanish. The bus was very clean, comfortable, and well air conditioned. The tickets were also pretty inexpensive. No complaints at all! After about a two hour ride, we made it to Granada.

The whole reason for us going to Granada was to visit the Alhambra, the last palace of the Arab leaders before they were run out of Spain in 1492. When I was getting my Master's degree, I wrote a paper on the painted ceilings in the Hall of the Kings, and it was really difficult to find good images of them. I was really excited to get to see them in person and perhaps take some good pictures of them to pass on to my former art history professor.

When we arrived in Granada, we headed straight for this little tourist desk in the middle of the bus station. We asked the girl there how to get to the Alhambra. She asked, "Do you already have tickets?" Um, no. "Then you have a lot of work to do today! Here is the website (she handed us a little brochure with a map), and there is an internet cafe. You have to check and see if they still have tickets available for today. Probably not. I think it's better if you stay the night here in Granada and try to go tomorrow. Today you can ride the tourist bus and see the monuments of Granada." Panic immediately set in. What?!? We had to buy tickets in advance?!? We can't stay until tomorrow! We have to get on a plane to Texas tomorrow! This is our LAST CHANCE!

We went into the internet cafe and paid for 10 minutes (50 euro cents). I went to the website on the brochure, and sure enough, it said they were sold out for that day. We were sitting there, disappointment beginning to overwhelm us, when the guy next to us said, "You don't need advance tickets. I was there yesterday. You just walk up and they let you in. You should go try to get in." That's really all the encouragement we needed, so we took a cab up there. It was an expensive ride. If you go to Granada, I recommend you take the city bus to get around. It's way more economical.

There was a bit of a line, but I was encouraged that there WAS a line. It's not like they were turning people away. There was a little sign that said you could only gain admittance to the Nasrid palace (that's the oldest part) at the time written on your ticket. As we got closer to the front of the line, I saw a sign that said "Cash only" and began to panic again. We had just blown half our cash on the cab fare up here, and there weren't any ATMs in sight. Luckily, the combined cost of tickets was 24 euros, and y'all, we had 25 euros!!! Phew! Plus, I discovered later that there totally was an ATM nearby, it was just in the advance ticket retrieval office, so we would have been fine. I was so excited about getting in that every tiny obstacle seemed like a huge hurdle I had to overcome.

So, tickets bought, they let us in! We were on our way! Here I come, Hall of the Kings! We showed up at the Nasrid palace when we were supposed to and began to make our way there. We passed through all the famous rooms - the Mexuar palace, the Hall of the Ambassadors, the Courtyard of the Myrtles. I started to go crazy with the camera taking pictures of all the beautiful details on the walls when I noticed the "Low Battery" light coming on. Nooooooo! Luckily, we had brought a backup camera. I asked Jonathan about it, and he said, "We left the other camera back at the hotel." What?!? Why didn't I think to bring it? Panic, panic, panic. So, I kind of stopped taking pictures so that I would be sure to be able to get a photo of my ceiling paintings.

We finally got to the Courtyard of the Lions - probably the most photographed part of the palace - only to discover that the famous lion fountain AND my paintings were under restoration and were NOT ON DISPLAY. AAAAAAAAAAAH! I cried. Jonathan was so sweet to me, too. He was like, "Well, next time we come..." And this was his second time to visit the Alhambra. I said, "You don't want to come again! You're just being nice!" But he kept saying stuff like, "When we come back, we'll do this part first..." and "After we buy our apartment in Spain, you can come here with your friends..." It really did make me feel better. After all, it was 12 years in between visits for him. There's hope for me to see it again. Maybe by then they'll be done with the restoration. Ha!

Here's a picture of the pavilion where the paintings usually are. As you can see, it's covered in scaffolding and there are all kinds of ropes and big pieces of plywood denying you access. Boooooooo! Although I will say, I'm glad they are being restored. I do want them to be preserved for future generations. I just wish it hadn't been on my time, you know?

Eventually, I sucked it up and decided to enjoy the rest of the day despite my crushing disappointment. After living in Paris, I knew that this just happens sometimes. You travel all the way across an ocean to see something, and then the museum workers decide to strike on the day you want to see the Mona Lisa or whatever. Denied. Or you can't go to the top of the Eiffel Tower because it's too windy. Seriously.

Happily, there's plenty to see at the Alhambra besides that fountain and those paintings, and we had a really fun rest of the day together, walking around and laughing. A great way to tie up our vacation! Now, where are we going next?